Mission Boyfriend
by Hi
Summary: BuffyRiley imploding. Reviews always welcome.


Mission Boyfriend. 

_Description: Buffy/Riley, post Out of My Mind so spoilers for that episode.Buffy and Riley each reflect on their relationship.I wrote this before Into the Woods, so Buffy and Riley are still together.But the fissures were starting to show even then: continuity is the day after Out of My Mind._

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_Disclaimer and Distribution: Joss, Mutant Enemy, and Fox all have a phalanx of lawyers in wait for those who fail to mention that Buffy and company are theirs. I do claim credit for this fic, since I wrote it.So if for some reason you take leave of your senses and decide you want this fic for your site, ask me first. _

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1. Lost Initiative

I shouldn't be so mad that Graham tried to talk me into going back.I know he's not a mouthpiece, or if he is it's only because he agrees with whomever he's taking orders from now.Hell, his pitch was hardly smooth: insulting your friend isn't the standard recruitment strategy.

"The mission's Boyfriend? The mission's True Love?"

He said it like it was a joke.Like I was a joke.

That's what's got me so mad I guess—he didn't say anything I hadn't already been thinking.My life is a joke. 

It just isn't a very funny one.

"You don't belong here."

Yeah, that may be the case Graham, but tell me this old buddy—where the fuck do I belong, huh?

The Army?

I don't think so, not after Professor Walsh turned me into her own personal Captain America, not after I had to blow up my best friend, not after Adam took away my free will and made me watch him try to kill Buffy—not after the _government _took away my free will, patted me on the back and said "Good job son" while feeding me drugs and checking my progress and waiting for the moment they could turn me into their ultimate killing machine.I never was able to figure how much of Adam's little scheme was his own, how much was Maggie's, and how much was drawn up by some committee in the Pentagon. I don't think I really want to know. 

Iowa?

Yeah, I'll just settle down on some nice quiet farm, marry a nice girl, and pretend like the world is normal.No, I won't worry when the wife and kids go out that some hell beast is going to grab them, or the men in the dark glasses, or god only knows what else.I can pretend that the world is a good place, that this country is the best in the world, and that hell isn't something that can happen on Earth.

And what else is there?What else have I ever known? 

My whole life, I thought I was living the American Dream. Now I'm awake, and what I see is a world where I'm absolutely useless.

And then there's Buffy.

She's strong, independent, and useful.Everything I thought I was, everything I'm not.I'm so in love with her it hurts; I can't think straight, and all the time I'm thinking how close I am to losing her.

Because I know the truth: she doesn't love me.

She said she doesn't want a guy with super powers, that I don't have to worry about not being good enough for her because I can't kill demons—she missed the point.I've never been good enough for her, even with the government-funded superpowers.I only thought I was.

She said she needs me, and I know that's what she thinks.But that's the problem: she's living a dream, just like I was.I'm her normal guy, the living proof that "Yes, Buffy, you can love someone who isn't Angel."And any other guy could do the job just as well.She doesn't need me for me, she needs me for what I represent.

And really, should I expect anything better?I know better than anyone else she's too good for me.She's the Slayer, she's faced things more horrible than anything I could imagine, and she's won.She saved the world when she was sixteen for God's sake!But it's more than that.She's not just the slayer: she's Buffy. She's died, and gone to hell, and come back, and she's still the warmest soul I've ever met.I've seen what happened when another girl was put in her place.It's not the powers that make her special. It's who she is. 

And who am I? Riley Finn: dumb-ass farm boy who bought a load of grade-A crap because the people who gave it too me had badges and fancy degrees.No direction, no goal beyond hanging onto a relationship built on pretense for as long as I can.A joke. 

The sensible part of me is telling me that I should just leave.That being around Buffy and loving her so much, and knowing she doesn't feel the same way is just wasting both our time. Of course, the sensible part of me also said it was a bad idea to punch bedrock for half an hour, so I think it's safe to say that glutton-for-punishment Riley is going to win out on this one too.

Mission: Boyfriend. It's the last lie, the last straw I have to grab before I'm left with nothing.

What would I do without that? 

2. Too Close

It was close tonight.

Too close, and Spike had better hope he doesn't run into me in the near future if he doesn't want to be introduced to the business end of Mr. Pointy. 

I almost lost Riley tonight, I think in more ways than one.I feel like there's been a wall between us recently, like the connection I thought we had is breaking.And I don't know how to fix it. 

I know what I should do, of course.I should tell him I love him.

And I tried, I really tried tonight.But somehow the words just didn't come out.I was so close, but I just didn't get it out.

Why can't I say it?

I look at the way he looks at me, and I see the pain and the need there, and I know.

If I tell him I love him, he won't believe me.He'll think I'm lying and I don't know what I can to do to convince him otherwise.

If I tell him I love him I'll lose him, and it'll be Angel all over again.And I can't go through that now, with the power I carry inside me threatening to overwhelm me, and so much pressure from school and Dawn and everything else.

I need him because he listens, and because he sees the things I don't.I need him because he's straightforward, and has an honest face that doesn't lie. I need him because he loves me for who I am and is never afraid to say it.I need him because I'm in love with him. 

But now every word I say brings us closer to splitting apart.


End file.
